So you are finally on vacation. You left the office. Your automated email is in full swing. Your voice mail informs callers to dial reception or the poor soul who is left with your calls while you are away.
You’ve packed the car. You still aren’t’ sure if you brought enough clothes for the hot days or the cooler nights. You know you forgot something but can’t remember what. You couldn’t decide whether to wear your flip flops in the car or your running shoes so you took both.
You are 10 minutes into the drive and you are already wondering where you should stop for lunch. You’re preparing yourself for the gas station and rest-stop bathrooms.
But the real action, the pancakes hitting the grill is right there in that car as you have way too much time on your hands to think about absolutely everything that is going on in your life.
That’s what long vacation car rides do…they leave you sitting there frozen in time. Everything has come to a halt – your job – the kids off at camp – you aging parents being covered by your siblings – house cleaning, groceries for the week. You have nothing to do except ponder and obsess.
And so the Stuff That We Say On Vacation begins:
- · Drive slower.
- · Don’t tell me how to drive.
- · I should have brought an extra sweat shirt.
- · Don’t worry about it – you can buy one there.
- · It’s a waste of money, maybe we should go back home so I can get one.
- · We are not going back home. We need to be on the road to beat the traffic.
- · Where do you want to stop for lunch?
- · I don’t care honey, whatever you want.
- · Are you in the mood for a sandwich or something more substantial?
- · I told you, you decide I am good with anything.
- · Yeah, you say that now but as soon as we are at the restaurant eating, you are going to tell me that the food isn’t so great and you are still hungry and we should have gone somewhere else.
- · No I’m not.
- · Why are you speeding up?
- · That guy tried to cut into the lane. I’m not letting him cut in front of me.
- · Why? Who cares? I would let him in.
- · You don’t know how to drive.
- · You drive like a maniac.
- · Silence.
- · I’m worried about Lori (fake name of a make-believe daughter).
- · What are you worried about? She’s at camp. She’s having fun.
- · I don’t know. I hope the other girls are nice. You know she is very sensitive.
- · She can handle herself. Don’t worry. You’re worrying for nothing.
- · It’s not nothing. You don’t understand – It’s not the same – you are not her mother.
- · Silence.
Stuff we say when stopping for gas:
- · I’m going to fill up. I’ll meet you inside.
- · I hope the bathroom is clean.
- · I’m going to knock and then open the door slowly just in case. Maybe I won’t breathe – yeah I’ll hold my breath the entire time just in case. Why don’t they have a separate bathroom for the men and the women? The seat is up – oye.
- · Do you want something?
- · Yeah but I don’t know what.
- · It’s a gas station store – get some chips or one of those pastries that are all misshaped and melting.
- Stuff we say when we finally arrive at hotel:
- · I’m exhausted.
- · What are you exhausted from? I drove, you just sat there.
- · I’m tired – you wouldn’t understand.
- · It’s cold. I told you I should have gone back for a sweatshirt.
- · I’ll buy you a sweatshirt at one of those stores that sell stuff with the name of the town on them.
- · I’m not wearing that.
- · Nice room. It smells good. The bathroom is clean so don’t make a mess of it like you do at home.
- · I’m just going to put on the news.
- · I’m taking a shower and then we’ll go out.
- · Okay where do you want to go?
- · I don’t know – what are you in the mood for?
- · Whatever you want darling.
- · I could go for one of those giant salads with grilled chicken and those crunchy noodle/tortilla strips on top.
- · Okay whatever you want – go take your shower – I’m watching the news.
- · It’s not even our news. What’s so fascinating?
- · I want to know what’s going on. I want to watch the sports.
Stuff we say when we are eating dinner:
- · I’m having a drink.
- · So am I.
- · What are you ordering?
- · I don’t know. There’s so much to choose from.
- · Should we ask the waitress what is good?
- · No.
- · Okay, I’m going to have the Caesar salad with grilled chicken.
- · I’m going to have the Guinness Burger with fries.
- · You shouldn’t be eating that – it’s not good for you – you have to watch your cholesterol
- · Your Caesar salad has more calories in it than my entire meal.
- · Not if I get the dressing on the side.
- · Do you want to share an appetizer?
- · Sure.
- · What do you want?
- · I don’t care you choose.
- · Can’t you make any decisions?
- · I can but you’ll decide for us anyway so what’s the point?
Stuff We Say back at the hotel:
- · I am so full; I don’t think I can even lie down.
- · Me too. I shouldn’t have had that burger.
- · I’m exhausted.
- · What are you exhausted from?
- · Stop asking me that.
- · I’m going to sleep.
- · Okay I just want to watch the news but you can turn the lights off.
- · It’s freezing. Turn down the air conditioning.
- · It’s not freezing. It feels good. Put the comforter on.
- · No one puts the comforter on in a hotel.
- · What are you talking about? That’s ridiculous.
- · What time should we wake up?
- · Breakfast is until 10AM so we should get up at 8.
- · Okay – I hope the breakfast is good.
- · I’m sure it will be fine.
- · Good night.
To be continued as part of our “Stuff we say on vacation” series.
What do you say on vacation?
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